Glossary terms beginning with S
The plain-language glossary behind The Architecture of Intimacy — a field guide to 369 green flags of healthy relationships.
Terms beginning with S
- sacred moments
- Brief experiences that feel deeply significant, transcendent, or boundless — moments set apart from ordinary time that people can learn to notice and cultivate.
- safe foods safe food
- A person's reliable, trusted foods that go down easily and don't risk a bad sensory experience — a comparatively small set carrying much of their day-to-day comfort and nutrition.
- safe haven safe-haven · safe-haven attachment · safe-haven function
- In attachment theory, the partner you return to for comfort when you're hurt or scared — the support that helps you recover, as opposed to the base you set out from.
- safety signal
- A cue that tells you a situation is safe enough to lower your guard — here, a responsive partner whose presence signals it is safe to trust and lean in.
- safeword safewords
- A word agreed on in advance that immediately pauses or stops intimate activity when spoken, making the withdrawal of consent unmistakable.
- sanctification sanctification of marriage · sanctification of relationships · sanctity
- Seeing a part of life, such as a relationship, as holding spiritual significance or sacred meaning rather than treating it as purely ordinary or secular.
- savoring savor · savouring
- Deliberately attending to and dwelling on a positive moment, during or after it, rather than letting it pass — treated as a learnable skill that prolongs the good feeling.
- scaffolding external scaffold · scaffold
- External structure — checklists, reminders, breaking a job into small steps, or a person alongside — that stands in for an overtaxed skill and lowers the effort of starting.
- scoping review
- A structured survey that maps the range and nature of existing research on a topic, charting what has been studied rather than pooling results into a single number.
- second shift
- The unpaid housework and childcare a person takes on after finishing their paid job — a second round of labor at home once the workday ends.
- secondary emotion hard emotions · secondary emotions
- In EFT, the loud, defended surface feeling — like scorn or anger — that sits on top of more vulnerable underlying feelings such as fear, longing, or shame.
- secrecy secret
- Deliberately hiding a category of contact or information from a partner behind a private, walled-off channel, rather than that information simply not having come up yet.
- secure attachment attachment security · secure · secure (attachment sense) · securely attached · security
- Comfortable with closeness and with independence, able to trust a partner and seek support without excessive anxiety or avoidance — a specific attachment style, not just "safe."
- secure base safe haven and secure base · secure attachment base · secure base support · secure-base · secure-base function · secure-base support
- The steady backing an attachment figure provides so a person can go out and face the world, exploring confidently because someone reliable is there to come back to.
- selective self-presentation curated channel
- Sharing mostly the good, interesting, or flattering parts of your life with a partner while leaving out the dull, difficult, or irritating parts — curating the picture you send.
- self-abandonment
- Chronically overriding or neglecting your own needs, limits, and well-being to keep another person's approval or avoid conflict — the opposite of self-care.
- self-authorization self-authorize · self-authorizing
- Quietly granting yourself permission to borrow from another culture without asking whether you have any standing to do so.
- self-benefit thanks self-benefit
- A thank-you that stays on the speaker's own gain — how good the act made them feel or how much it helped — rather than pointing at the giver.
- self-compassion
- Treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care you would readily offer a good friend who was struggling, rather than harsh self-judgment.
- self-concept clarity
- The degree to which your beliefs about yourself are clearly defined, internally consistent, and stable over time, so you can say who you are without first checking who you are near.
- self-conscious emotion
- A feeling, like shame, that is directed at the self rather than at events — the sense of being bad or a burden, not just of having had a bad day.
- self-defeating humor
- Making yourself the punchline to win approval — a humor style that, during conflict, can work as a way of disappearing rather than engaging.
- self-determination theory SDT · autonomous reasons · controlled reasons · self-determination
- A theory of human motivation holding that autonomy, competence, and relatedness are basic psychological needs, and that settings which support them rather than control people go with greater well-being.
- self-determined solitude chosen solitude · positive solitude
- Time alone that a person genuinely chooses and wants, rather than solitude that is forced or pressured on them — the chosen kind tends to feel restorative.
- self-disclosure disclosure · post-sex disclosure
- Voluntarily telling another person what is true inside you — your feelings, wants, and intentions — rather than leaving them to guess or infer it from your behavior.
- self-distancing distancing · psychological distance · self-distanced · self-distanced perspective
- Stepping back from the immersed, first-person view of an experience to a more zoomed-out, observer's-eye view — examining what happened as an outside witness rather than reliving it.
- self-efficacy
- A person's belief that they have the resources and competence to handle their own situation — the sense of "I've got this" that good support protects.
- self-expansion applied self-expansion · cultural self-expansion · self-expanding activities · self-expansion model · self-expansion theory
- The idea that people are basically motivated to grow the self by adding new perspectives, skills, and identities, and that close relationships are a main engine of that growth.
- self-handicapping
- Protecting self-esteem before a hard task by setting up excuses or obstacles in advance, so a possible failure can be blamed on something else.
- self-injurious stimming
- Repetitive self-stimulating movement that physically harms the person doing it, such as head-banging or skin-picking that breaks the skin — distinct from harmless stimming.
- self-regulation down-regulate stress · regulate their own emotions · self-control · self-regulate · self-regulating · self-regulatory
- The in-the-moment capacity to manage your own impulses and reactions rather than acting on them — treated here as a limited resource that stress and fatigue can wear down.
- self-report self-report data
- Data based on what people say about themselves in surveys or questionnaires, rather than observed behavior — useful, but open to bias in how people describe themselves.
- self-serving bias self-serving attribution bias · self-serving attributional bias
- The tendency to judge yourself too favorably — taking extra credit for successes and resisting evidence of your own mistakes in order to protect your ego.
- self-silencing silencing the self
- Consistently suppressing your own needs, opinions, and feelings to avoid conflict, judging yourself by outside standards and putting the relationship's survival ahead of your own voice.
- self-soothing
- Deliberately calming your own heightened physical and emotional arousal in the middle of a stressful interaction, taking responsibility for your inner state rather than asking your partner to fix it.
- self-stigma
- Internalizing a culture's negative view of something (like needing therapy) until you believe it personally — feeling weak or broken for needing help, not just fearing others will think so.
- self-transcendence values benevolence · universalism
- A set of moral values — benevolence and universalism — centered on caring about the welfare and fair treatment of people beyond one's own circle.
- self-transcendent emotion
- An emotion, like awe, that pulls attention beyond the self and its concerns, quieting the ego and connecting a person to something larger.
- self-verification self-verification theory
- The pull to be seen by others as you see yourself — feeling most known when a partner's view of you matches your own self-view, even an unflattering one.
- sensate focus non-demand touch
- A structured sex-therapy practice where partners take turns giving and receiving touch, attending to its sensory qualities — temperature, texture, pressure — rather than to arousal or reaching any goal.
- sensitization sensitize · sensitizes
- Becoming more reactive to something through repeated exposure, not less — children who often witness angry conflict grow more sensitive to it over time rather than hardened.
- sensory processing sensory processing differences
- How a person's nervous system takes in and reacts to input like light, sound, and touch — which genuinely differs from one person to the next.
- sensory sensitivity sensory over-responsivity
- Heightened reactivity of the senses, so that textures, smells, tastes, colours, or temperatures can feel much stronger or more aversive than they do for other people.
- sensory-processing sensitivity SPS · high sensitivity · sensory processing sensitivity
- A temperament trait of being more responsive than average to stimulation — light, noise, and subtle social cues alike — treated as a normal variation between people, not a disorder.
- sentiment override negative sentiment override · positive sentiment override
- The standing lens partners filter each other's behavior through: in the positive form, benefit of the doubt; in the negative form, even neutral acts read as attacks.
- service animal
- A working animal trained to perform specific tasks for a person with a disability — a legal category with its own rules, not simply a beloved pet.
- sexual afterglow afterglow · lingering afterglow
- The warmth and lingering sexual satisfaction that stay with a couple in the hours and day after intimacy, rather than ending the moment the closeness is technically over.
- sexual authenticity sexually authentic
- How closely a person's outward sexual behavior — face, voice, body — matches the desire or disinterest they actually feel in the moment.
- sexual autonomy sexual autonomy support
- A person's freedom to make their own choices about sex, including the freedom to decline, without pressure or penalty from a partner.
- sexual autonomy support perceived partner sexual autonomy support
- Relating to a partner in a way that respects their freedom to want what they want, on their timeline, without coercion, guilt, or sulking.
- sexual coercion coercion
- Getting a yes through pressure rather than open force — including repeated asking, a mood that punishes refusal, or implying the relationship's safety depends on saying yes.
- sexual communal strength SCS · communal motivation · communal sexual motivation · sexual communal motivation
- The disposition to be responsive to a partner's sexual needs, to be willing to bear some personal cost to do so, and to feel good rather than burdened while doing it.
- sexual communication
- Talking openly with a partner about sex — disclosing preferences, giving feedback, and naming desires — rather than leaving wants unspoken.
- sexual compliance compliance
- Willingly agreeing to sex you don't independently desire — with no pressure applied, unlike coercion. Complying from love or generosity can be healthy when saying no stays genuinely free; complying from obligation or guilt tends to erode desire.
- sexual destiny beliefs sexual destiny belief
- The belief that sexual compatibility is fixed — you either have it with someone or you don't — so ongoing struggle in bed signals you chose the wrong partner.
- sexual goals
- The aims a person is pursuing when they have sex with a partner — such as deepening closeness or heading off disappointment — which shape what the encounter gives back.
- sexual growth beliefs sexual growth belief
- The belief that a good sex life is created and kept up through effort, communication, and attention over time, rather than simply found ready-made between two people.
- sexual inhibition the brake
- The 'brake' side of sexual response — anything that dampens arousal, such as stress, distraction, or exhaustion, no matter how appealing a partner is.
- sexual interest/arousal disorder
- A clinical diagnosis of persistently low or absent sexual interest or arousal that causes distress — not ordinary fluctuation in desire.
- sexual mindfulness
- A quality of attention during sex: staying aware of sensation, breath, and your partner in the present moment, without judging or evaluating what is happening.
- sexual neutrality
- A starting point where a person is not actively wanting sex but is open to it, from which arousal and then desire can still build.
- sexual responsiveness perceived partner responsiveness
- Being attentive and motivated to meet a partner's sexual needs, and sensing a partner is likewise attentive to yours, even during a hard stretch.
- shame
- Here, distress focused on the whole self — the feeling 'I am bad' — which tends to pull toward hiding, defensiveness, and withdrawal.
- situationship undefined relationship
- An ongoing romantic connection that stays undefined: neither person has said plainly what it is or where it is going, leaving at least one partner guessing.
- skin conductance
- How well the skin conducts a tiny electric current, which rises with sweat when someone is stressed — a body-based measure of emotional activation.
- sliding door moments sliding door moment
- Small, seemingly minor everyday moments when one partner reaches out for connection and the other turns toward, away, or against it — where trust is quietly built or lost.
- sliding versus deciding deciding rather than sliding · sliding vs deciding
- The contrast between drifting through big relationship steps — moving in, merging money — without a clear joint choice, versus deliberately deciding together what a step means.
- small self diminished self
- A reliable consequence of awe: a momentary shrinking of self-importance, self-focus, and ego, paired, paradoxically, with a heightened sense of connection to something larger.
- Social Baseline Theory
- The idea that the brain treats a trusted, present companion as a resource, so difficult situations feel less costly and less threatening than they would alone.
- social comparison theory social comparison
- The idea that people have a basic drive to evaluate their own opinions and abilities, and without objective standards they do it by comparing themselves to other people.
- social facilitation
- The idea that the mere presence of other people raises arousal and strengthens our most likely response, improving simple well-learned tasks while sometimes hurting complex or unfamiliar ones.
- social integration socially integrated
- How embedded a person is in a web of social ties and support — the degree to which they are connected to others rather than isolated.
- social model of disability social model
- The view that much of what disables a person comes from environmental and attitudinal barriers — stairs, missing captions, prejudice — not from their body or impairment itself.
- social network approval network approval
- Whether the friends and family around a couple visibly approve of and support the relationship — the couple's standing and acceptance within their wider social world.
- social penetration theory social penetration
- Altman and Taylor's idea that closeness grows as two people disclose more topics and deeper ones over time, moving from surface layers toward the private core.
- social regulation of emotion social regulation of neural responses
- The way another person's presence, and especially their touch, changes how your brain and body handle a threat, doing some of the calming work you would otherwise do alone.
- social support
- The broad category of help one partner gives another, spanning both emotional care aimed at the person and practical assistance aimed at the problem.
- social verification
- Confirming a perception by finding that another person shares it, which makes your own read of reality feel more sound and trustworthy.
- socially distributed cognitive system socially distributed cognition
- A view of a couple as a single memory unit: the two partners store and rebuild experiences together, so remembering becomes a shared act rather than each person's alone.
- socioemotional selectivity theory
- The idea that a person's goals shift with how much future they feel they have — an open, shared horizon invites investment, while a short or uncertain one narrows priorities.
- solidarity
- Facing outside pressure on the relationship as a team, so that neither partner sides against the other with their own family.
- solvable problem perpetual problem
- A situational conflict that is about the concrete thing itself, with no deeper meaning underneath, so a workable solution can be found and held.
- Sound Relationship House Creating Shared Meaning · SRH
- John Gottman's layered model of what makes relationships work, built on a foundation of friendship and topped by the couple's shared meaning — their private culture of rituals and goals.
- special interest intense interests · special interests
- In autistic experience, a deep and sustained interest that is central to a person's identity, self-regulation, and joy — far more than a casual hobby.
- spectatoring spectator
- Mentally stepping outside an intimate moment to watch and judge your own performance, so attention drifts from what you feel toward the fear of failing.
- spillover spill over · stress spillover
- When stress from outside a relationship leaks into how partners treat each other inside it — showing up as shortness, distraction, or a closed door at home.
- spiritual bypass
- Using calm, high-minded, or spiritual-sounding language to avoid facing a real hurt or wrong, skating past it instead of addressing it directly.
- spiritual bypassing
- Using prayer or religious practice to skate over real, practical problems that need plain attention — avoidance dressed in sacred clothes rather than genuine coping.
- spiritual coercion practice as control
- Using prayer, scripture, or religious authority to win arguments, monitor a partner, or override their judgment — the inversion of shared practice, not a form of it.
- spontaneous desire spontaneity ideal
- Sexual interest that seems to arrive on its own, unprompted by context — one normal style of wanting, not a sign of caring more than a responsive partner does.
- start-up harsh start-up · soft start-up · softened start-up
- The way a conflict conversation opens. A soft start-up leads with your own feeling and a question; a harsh one leads with criticism or an accusation.
- State of the Union meeting State of the Union
- A weekly relationship meeting in which partners trade appreciations, name what is working, raise one issue, and ask what would help them feel connected in the week ahead.
- steel-manning steel-man
- Restating your partner's argument in its strongest, most persuasive form — and confirming you got it right — before you offer any disagreement.
- stimming self-stimulation · self-stimulatory behavior · stim · stims
- Self-stimulating behavior — repetitive movements or sounds like rocking or fidgeting — that helps a person settle their body and emotions; often suppressed while masking.
- stonewalling silent treatment · stonewall
- Shutting down during conflict and leaving the other person facing a wall of silence — no explanation, no engagement, and no signal that you plan to come back.
- strawman straw man · strawmanning
- A weaker, distorted version of someone's position that you argue against instead of their real view — easy to knock down but dishonest.
- stress-buffering hypothesis buffering effect · buffering hypothesis
- The idea that social support protects health mainly by cushioning the impact of stressful events, working best when the support fits the stress a person faces.
- stress-reducing conversation
- A daily turn-taking talk where each partner airs the day's outside stresses while the other listens and validates, without jumping in to fix or advise.
- stressor-detachment model
- A research framework proposing that mentally detaching from work during off-time is a key way people recover from job stress and protect their well-being.
- structural family therapy couple subsystem
- Minuchin's clinical approach that views a family as smaller subsystems, like the couple, separated by boundaries which regulate how much outside contact and influence cross them.
- substance use disorder
- The clinical name for addiction: a diagnosable pattern of substance use that a person struggles to control despite real harm to health, work, or relationships.
- subtweet vaguebook · vaguebooking
- A public post that criticizes someone without naming them, while making the target obvious to people who already know the situation.
- suffocation model
- Eli Finkel's account of modern marriage, in which partners expect one relationship to satisfy many needs while investing less time, making it either very fulfilling or disappointing.
- supportive coparenting supportive coparenting alliance
- A parenting partnership in which each adult acknowledges and respects the other's parenting, affirming their competence and backing their decisions rather than working against them.
- supportive dyadic coping
- One partner offering the other understanding, solidarity, and practical help while that partner is the one under strain — support given, not shared problem-solving.
- synchronous exposure in synchrony · synchrony
- Happening live and at the same time for both people — a real-time call rather than messages each person reads and answers on their own schedule.
- synchrony simultaneity · synchronous
- Two people's actions or feelings lining up in the same instant — here, laughing together at the same moment — a pattern research links to feeling bonded.
- synchrony sex
- A name for the most satisfying kind of sex — one where emotional openness, responsiveness, and tender touch come together, not just physical release.
- synthetic happiness
- The contentment a mind builds for itself once a choice is final — settling in and coming to like what you have, rather than happiness found ready-made.
- systematic review PRISMA systematic review · systematic literature review
- A structured, methodical survey of all available studies on a question, using explicit criteria for what counts as evidence — often a precursor to a meta-analysis.
- systemic-transactional model Bodenmann's systemic-transactional model · STM
- A framework in which stress experienced by one partner is never fully private — it spills across life domains and crosses over to the other partner, making coping a couple-level task.