About this project
A different kind of relationship guide
What this is
Most relationship advice teaches fear. It is built from long catalogues of warning signs — patterns to flee, red flags to memorize, reasons to exit. This project does the opposite.
The Architecture of Intimacy names the small, telling signs that appear in love that is genuinely working — drawn from close-relationships science and credited to the researchers who actually did the work. The result is 369 green flags, organized into 26 themes across 8 parts: from the foundations of friendship and responsiveness to the finer craft of desire, empathy, and trust repair.
The framing is load-bearing and repeated everywhere this content appears: these flags are a menu, not a checklist. No relationship shows every one. Missing a flag is not a verdict on a person or a partnership. Presence matters more than completeness. Low self-assessment results are always framed as areas to nurture, never as evidence that something is broken.
Each of the 369 chapters follows an identical twelve-section structure: the flag’s name, a one-sentence definition, a scene from daily life, what the concept is, what the research says, why it matters, how it shows up across different relationship types, its counterfeits and failure modes, how to cultivate it, honest caveats, takeaways, and a numbered reference list. Every idea receives the same rigorous treatment regardless of how well-known the concept is.
Your reading history and your starred flags are stored in your browser’s local storage only. The self-assessment is never stored at all — its reflection is drawn in your browser and vanishes when you leave the page. The site does not hold your data — we use privacy-preserving aggregate analytics (Cloudflare Web Analytics) but no accounts, no personal tracking, and no ad tech.
How it was made
Each of the 369 chapters is built from primary research — not from the popular summaries of popular summaries that characterize most relationship content. The sources behind any given chapter include John Gottman’s longitudinal research on what distinguishes stable from unstable marriages; John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s foundational work on attachment theory; Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy; and many additional peer-reviewed studies in relationship psychology and close-relationships science. Across the full body of work, the project draws on hundreds of primary sources. Credit is given to the researcher who originated a finding, not consolidated onto the most famous name in the room.
Every inline citation in a chapter resolves to a numbered reference list at the end. Every flag carries one of three evidence tiers — a transparent signal of how firm the ground is under any given idea.
- Research-backed
- Clinically-informed
- Practice wisdom
The 369 flags are also connected by a typed relationship graph — roughly 2,600 directional edges linking flags as complements, prerequisites, differentiations, and focused forms of one another. This is what powers the “Where next” section on each flag page, turning a reference into a navigable map rather than a fixed list.
A clear boundary
What this is not
Is The Architecture of Intimacy therapy?
The Architecture of Intimacy offers educational writing about patterns in relationships. It does not provide therapy, clinical advice, or diagnosis, and it cannot assess an individual or a relationship.
If you are in crisis, in danger, or facing something that requires professional support, please reach out to a qualified counselor, therapist, or crisis service in your area. This writing is a companion, not a substitute.
Can these green flags tell me whether my relationship is healthy?
The green flags in The Architecture of Intimacy cannot determine whether your relationship is healthy or safe. Green flags do not cancel out harm. If you may be in danger, please reach qualified support.
The flags offer a vocabulary for noticing patterns. A flag’s presence or absence is not a verdict on you or your partner. A relationship does not need to show any particular flag, or any number of flags, to be good.
Reading a flag you do not recognize in your relationship is not a finding about your relationship. It is a quiet suggestion — an area that might one day deserve some sunlight. If you use the self-assessment, read a low result as an area to nurture, not a grade.
Who wrote it
Adam Kaps is the author and researcher behind The Architecture of Intimacy. He is an independent writer — not a clinician and not an academic — someone who reads the primary literature closely and works to render it faithfully for people outside the field.
The project grew out of a frustration with how relationship advice is usually written: as a list of dangers to avoid, assembled second-hand, at several removes from the original studies. Adam wanted to work the other way around — back to the original studies, crediting the people who actually did the research, and describing what to build toward rather than what to fear. Reading the science well, and passing it on without distortion, turned out to be a years-long project.
He has no interest in positioning himself as an authority on anyone else’s relationship. His role here is that of a careful synthesist, and the writing is held to that standard: every claim traceable, every source named, nothing dressed up as more certain than the evidence allows. Where a finding is firm it is called firm; where it is practice wisdom it is labeled as such.
Found an error, or have a question about a source? You can write to green.flags.369@gmail.com. It’s a real inbox, read by Adam — not a support line, and never a substitute for professional care.