Glossary

The language of intimacy, defined plainly

935 terms behind the 369 green flags, set down in plain language. Look one up, or browse the alphabet.

935 terms · press ⏎ to jump to the first match

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Start here

The most load-bearing terms across the 369 flags — a place to start, drawn from the glossary itself.

  • responsiveness

    A partner's demonstrated understanding, validation, and care — how much you feel truly seen and supported, which research treats as a core driver of intimacy.

  • bid (bid for connection)

    A small attempt to connect — a comment, a glance, a question — that invites a partner's attention, humor, affection, or support.

  • Emotionally Focused Therapy

    A structured, attachment-based form of couple therapy that helps partners notice and change the emotional cycles behind their conflict, aiming to rebuild a secure bond.

  • flooding

    A mid-conflict state where stress arousal overwhelms the body — heart rate climbs and stress hormones surge — leaving a person too disorganized to listen, empathize, or solve problems.

  • turning toward

    Responding to a partner's attempt to connect with attention, warmth, or interest, rather than ignoring it or reacting with irritation.

  • secure base

    The steady backing an attachment figure provides so a person can go out and face the world, exploring confidently because someone reliable is there to come back to.

  • self-expansion

    The idea that people are basically motivated to grow the self by adding new perspectives, skills, and identities, and that close relationships are a main engine of that growth.

  • contempt

    Treating a partner with disdain or mockery, as if they are beneath you — a hostile pattern distinct from ordinary anger, often disguised as humor at the partner's expense.

  • self-determination theory

    A theory of human motivation holding that autonomy, competence, and relatedness are basic psychological needs, and that settings which support them rather than control people go with greater well-being.

  • capitalization

    In relationship research, the act of sharing good news with a partner and having them respond with genuine enthusiasm — not the financial term; much of the benefit comes from the response.

  • safe haven

    In attachment theory, the partner you return to for comfort when you're hurt or scared — the support that helps you recover, as opposed to the base you set out from.

  • gentle start-up

    Opening a disagreement softly — naming one concrete issue and your own feelings without 'always' or 'never' — rather than a harsh, global accusation that tends to escalate.

  • repair attempt

    Any statement or action, during or after tension, meant to de-escalate conflict and reconnect before things spiral further.

  • minority stress

    The idea that people in stigmatized groups carry extra, socially caused stress on top of ordinary life stress — from discrimination, expecting it, hiding, and absorbing negative messages.

Reading the research

The research vocabulary these definitions lean on — how the evidence was gathered and weighed.

correlational
Describing a link between two things without proving one causes the other — the pattern could run either direction, or both could share a third cause.
meta-analysis
A study that statistically combines results from many separate studies to estimate an overall, more reliable pattern than any single study alone can show.
longitudinal
A study that follows the same people over time (often years), allowing researchers to see change and sequence, not just a single-moment snapshot.
systematic review
A structured, methodical survey of all available studies on a question, using explicit criteria for what counts as evidence — often a precursor to a meta-analysis.
dyadic
Involving or done by two people together, as a pair — used in relationship research to mean "at the level of the couple," not just each individual.
cross-sectional
Measuring people at a single point in time rather than following them over time, so it can show a link exists but not which thing came first or caused the other.

A reference, not a rubric

A term you don’t recognize is simply something you haven’t met yet — never a gap in your relationship.

The flags remain a menu, not a checklist.

The whole field guide of 369 green flags is free to read.